


i hold my breath

by lookuptotheskies



Category: The Beatles (Band)
Genre: Angst, Failing relationship, M/M, Post-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 09:55:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17098409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lookuptotheskies/pseuds/lookuptotheskies
Summary: John Lennon and Paul McCartney were lovers,and then they weren't.





	i hold my breath

I hold my breath. If I let my lungs deflate, they just might stay that way forever.

The door opens, its creaking rings in my ears much longer than necessary. The same happens with his footsteps. My muscles retract at the sight of him, a tall figure donning a grey jumper and those awful jeans that don't fit him quite right. It’s painfully obvious that he's still comfortable with me, and even more obvious that I’m overdressed. As he takes a seat beside me, he squeezes my shoulder. The touch is as shocking as my own hand reaching up and performing the same task, but I still can't seem to shake off the heat now trapped beneath my coat.

"Ay, Paulie," John says warmly. His voice breaks the silence, and it is, decidedly, raspy like he's been singing. I can't help my grin, and my throat constricts tightly.

A slight, “Hi,” is forced out, sounding more like a noise of distress than a greeting.

All too quickly, silence replaces the vibrations of vocal chords. This time there is a sense of unspeakable tension. It leaves my mind to wonder all the places we went wrong, all the places I went wrong. His black shoes tap out a dim rhythm, parallel to the sound of my heart beating in my ears. Even after all this time, in spite of all our troubles, we really are affixed in an inexplicable way.

Still, there is thin glass between us. It holds us apart, but one wrong move and a whole new set of pieces will lay on the floor. Another mess for me to clean up.

The urge to address the problem tingles at my fingertips and aches right down to my bones. I want to turn to him and shake him. I want him to see what he’s done to me, how he has wrecked me. All the venom he’s spit and actions I’ve just brushed off. I’ve always been reliable, and level-headed, but has he really ever been there for me?

It’s not like it matters anyways. I’ll keep these words here, behind my teeth. Maybe they’ll spill out of my mouth like a nosebleed, or maybe I’ll bite my tongue forever. At this point, the tapping has stopped, as if he knows the thoughts racing through my mind. My face is flushed and calloused hands trembling. I grip on to the seam of my blazer, a desperate way of holding on to reality.

Finally, he faces me. His skin is as pale as my own and his lips move in slow motion, “I’ve missed you.”

Those three words send a dose of anger through my chest, a wildfire spreading too quickly. It’s that sort of feeling that you can’t ever find the right words for, like the one that floods your veins and makes your pulse so strong that your heartbeat is in your head. The sort of emotion that sends a pang so sharp and cold that your insides hollow out and feet begin to ooze into the floor. The one that paralyzes you, right down to your very core, and, if a gun were put to your skull, you could _never_ find the right words.

That’s how it feels when the person you’re screaming at is two feet away and can’t hear a single word you say.

**Author's Note:**

> I had originally written this as a submission to attend a writing conference, which is why its so short. As a matter of fact, the teacher who read this ended up crying in class (uffff)... but I had purposely submitted it without any names so as to keep it from obviously being a fanfic. Long story short, this work got me a place in the writer's conference.  
> This is my first time posting any actual work on this site, though Ive been meaning to for a while. Hopefully this was short + painful just as I intended! Thanks for reading <3


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